One Sweet Day
by Ann Valentine
Summary: How does an emperor deal with the death of one of his best friends? (spoilers for episode 33)


Dead . . . 

Hotohori couldn't accept it. He refused to believe that Nuriko was dead. Believing it would mean giving up hope, and hope was the one thing he could never afford to lose. 

Numbly, he adjourned the meeting he had been in and went to his chambers. Houki was out in the garden with the other ladies of the court, which was a blessing. Right now, he wanted to be alone with his denial. 

The young emperor sat at his desk, a blank piece of paper in front of him. Writing poetry had never been his strong point, but maybe it would help him think through this. He dipped his quill into the inkwell and placed the tip to the paper. As soon as the quill touched the paper, it began flying up and down as if under its own power. 

_Sorry I never told you _

_All I wanted to say _

_And now it's too late to hold you _

_'Cause you've flown away _

_So far away_

Nuriko, 

I never realized it would come to this. I always thought we would find the seishi and summon Suzaku without any problems. Now, I realize it could never be that easy. We have been beset by setbacks since the beginning of the mission, but this is the worst by far. 

If you were looking over my shoulder right now, you would be laughing and saying, "Don't be so glum! We're gonna summon Suzaku, and there's nothing you can do about it! Now cheer up!" 

_Never had I imagined _

_Living without your smile _

_Feeling and knowing you hear me _

_It keeps me alive _

_Alive _

It was always easier to be cheerful when you were here . . .you always had such a ready smile, and your eyes would always sparkle with fun. You could buckle down and be serious when it was needed, but there was always a joke lurking in the wings. 

Blast. The roof is leaking. There are raindrops on my paper. 

Were you friends with Lady Houki? That's right, you're the one who introduced us. To make a long story short, Lady Houki is Empress Houki now. She is several months pregnant with the heir to my throne. If it's a boy, we are going to name him Boushin. If it's a girl, we are going to name her Kourin. (Houki insisted that I come up with other names in case she had twins, so we chose Tamahome and Miaka as alternates.) 

_And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven _

_Like so many friends we've lost along the way _

_And I know eventually we'll be together _

_One sweet day _

You'd be smiling right now and applauding my good choice in names, then making a remark about how you hope my son is as beautiful as his father. He will be, if not more so, although it's hard to be more beautiful than me. 

I marvel at your restraint. I imagine it's hard to put up with an emperor as self-absorbed as I am, and I know I deserve to be knocked into a few walls. But . . . for some reason, you never minded, you would always just smile and let me talk. 

_Darling, I never showed you _

_Assumed you'd always be there _

_I took your presence for granted _

_But I always cared _

_And I miss the love we shared _

I can't keep doing this any longer. You're dead and there's nothing I can do about it and it's killing me! I am the emperor of Konan, one of the most powerful men on the planet, and I let my fellow Suzaku shichiseishi be slaughtered under my nose! I am a failure-as an emperor, as a seishi, and as a friend. 

_And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven _

_Like so many friends we've lost along the way _

_And I know eventually we'll be together _

_One sweet day _

When I found out you were dead, it felt like someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I miss you already, I miss your smile, your gentle touch, your beautiful laugh . . . you. You were at court for years, loving me selflessly from behind your fan, but I saw you only as another lovely face. I regret that we only knew each other for such a short time, but in that time, my feelings for you changed. No longer did I see you as just a face, just a laugh, just a lady. I saw you as a person, a whole. Then, I was always afraid to tell you how I felt. I guess I was afraid of rejection. Now I can tell you how I truly feel. 

_Although the sun will never shine the same_

_I'll always look to a brighter day _

_Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep _

_You will always listen as I pray _

_And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven _

_Like so many friends we've lost along the way _

_And I know eventually we'll be together _

_One sweet day _

I love you. 

There. It's out. Strangely, I don't feel ashamed for knowing I loved-still do love-another man, just empty. Empty because there is a hole in my heart no one else can fill. 

I'm sorry the letter is so smudged. I need to talk to the carpenter about getting the ceiling fixed. 

Rest in peace, Nuriko. 

_And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven _

_Like so many friends we've lost along the way _

_And I know eventually we'll be together _

_One sweet day _

_Sorry I never told you _

_All I wanted to say . . . _

Hotohori folded the letter and got up. He walked over to his smallest mirror and took it off the wall. With several swift taps, he opened a hidden door and placed the letter in the compartment. He replaced the mirror, straightened it, then turned away. 

The emperor of Konan had stared Death in the eye more times, done more things and been more places in eighteen years than most people ever would in twenty lifetimes, but he couldn't stand to see himself cry. 


End file.
